One Step Forward
by gracia.michelle
Summary: Barry's thoughts on Christmas as the team gather at the West household for an evening of food and eggnog.


_AN: Merry Christmas everybody! Here's a short one shot for you. Hope you like it. Please do read, review and let me know what you think._

Christmas had always been Barry Allen's favourite time of the year. Every year his father would set up the large Christmas tree in the living room. His mother would then hang up the lights before letting him join in on the decorating. He could still vividly recall the blue and red and silver decorations that hung on the tree and the star that his father place on the very top, the lights all around the house and the stuffed Santa along with his reindeers that stood above the fireplace.. He remembered spending hours beside the tree, just staring at it while his mother hummed carols in the kitchen as she cooked dinner. The warmth of the house was a welcome reprieve from the biting cold that lay just beyond their front door. A decade and a half may have passed but the smallest details about that last Christmas with his parents still stayed with him. The sights, the smells, the sounds – they always haunted and comforted him around this time of the year.

It was in such contrast to the very next Christmas. It had been mere months since his mother had been killed and his father had been sent to prison for it. He had locked himself in his room, much to Joe and Iris' exasperation. He had spent the entire day missing his parents and letting the memories play in an endless loop in his mind's eye. Even as Joe and Iris tried repeatedly to draw him out of his room, Barry had descended into a gloom that he just didn't have the strength or will to pull himself out of. He had cried himself to sleep as the memories continued to assault him.

The years after that had slowly gotten better. He anticipated feeling low around Christmas and so he made it a point to be around people, to keep himself distracted. It worked. He would join Joe and Iris as they decorated the tree and afterwards, the three of them would stay up late and watch a Christmas movie. It might not have been the same as it was with his parents, but he realised that he liked this too. Even if he couldn't spend the day with his father like he wanted to, he still found a reason to be happy in being with two people he cared a lot for. As he grew older, he made a habit of visiting his father the day before. He spent the little time they had talking about Christmases past and what he was planning on getting Joe and Iris for Christmas. And soon, he realised that it didn't hurt as much anymore.

Barry smiled as he looked around the room. He watched as Caitlin and Jay kissed unable to resist mentally adding a "finally" and could see the same mirrored in Cisco's expression. His eyes wandered around the room first to Joe and then to Iris and finally to Patty as she stood by his side. But despite all that, he couldn't help but think of the one person he wanted to spend the day with the most, the one who was conspicuously missing – his dad. Having been released, Barry had fully expected him to turn up at the Wests' household for Christmas especially after having turned up at STAR Lab's after his fight with Zoom. The very thought of the night sent a shiver down his spine. He mentally shook himself to dispel those images. He felt Patty's arm tighten around his waist and looked at her, meeting her worried expression. "Are you alright?" she asked. Barry nodded and gave her a reassuring smile.

Christmas had always been a family affair and it still was. Only in the last year and a half, their family had gotten a little larger. He was truly grateful for having all of these amazing people in his life. Each one of them had touched his life in a way that he hadn't foreseen and now he couldn't imagine a life without them in it.

He briefly let himself think of what it would have been like had he saved his mother and destroyed this timeline. He would have probably been back in his old house with his parents, a normal human being. No super speed, no secret identity that he struggled to keep hidden. It would have most likely been a simple life, one without any complications, and one without the threat of speedsters in black. He would have been okay with that. But without Eobard's manipulation of the timeline, he would have never moved in with Joe and Iris and he probably wouldn't have met Cisco, Caitlin and Jay. He felt himself being drawn back to the same debate he had had with himself while trying to decide whether he should travel back in time or not. In the end, he had had to accept that there was no way of knowing which would have been a better life. Most likely, there was no such thing, he thought as he was reminded of a familiar proverb – the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Barry once again forced himself to think about the present. There was no point in dwelling on the past. Eobard's words still followed him around all day long – "you'll never be truly happy, Barry Allen". He couldn't help but feel that Thawne was right. If he had to be completely honest with himself, he wasn't really happy. He was in a good place now but the things that brought him to that point had changed him. They had taken away a little of his optimism and left him second guessing all that he had done since waking up from the coma – trusting Thawne who had masqueraded as Dr Wells, going back to the night his mother was killed, pushing everyone away after the singularity. He may have wanted to erase it all just months earlier but now, looking around the room, he was glad he had listened to his future self and not tampered with the timeline. He had lost a few people along the way – they all had. It hurt but they were stronger for it. He could see that now. Yes Thawne was right, he wasn't happy but he realised that in that moment he was satisfied; he was content. Hopefully this was the first step to proving him wrong.


End file.
